SPOILER ALERT: This post is somewhat religious.
I’ve been fairly clear about this crazy thing. And here’s the thing about this crazy thing. I don’t deal well with change or anxiety. Now when these things start happening in my life. I get a little mean. And spiteful. And snippy. I get insanely furious at the person who drives slow across the parking lot at work. I want to punch the person who stalls my badging in through the work door.
But I don’t like being that person.
And yet, I have a lot of things going right now that are both full of change and cause anxiety. I finished writing my book. Now people are reading it for the first time as a “done” thing instead of a “work-in-progress.” And wow, the anxiety this has started to cause me.
What if it sucks? What if it’s terrible? What if people hate it? What if I spent eight years writing it and re-writing it only to find that it was a giant-waste-of-time, and I should have got gotten my Master’s Degree? Gah.
And then there’s the whole, my parents are moving across the country. My SmileyPants will have to have new people watching her. And my dogs will be crated all day. And my mom is my biggest supporter and now she will be 26 hours away (27 in current traffic). Twenty-six driving hours. Versus twenty-six steps. Or so.
Damn it. Just damn it.
So, being old now. And certainly not wise, but wiser. I decided to employ a method of dealing with my crazy that I’ve learned again and again. Only due to my general slothfulness, laziness, and bookaholicness, I am rarely smart enough to anticipate my crazy and deal with it in advance.
Here it is: I just read the Book of Mormon every day. (Though I’m sure this would also work The New Testament. The old language of the Old Testament does not have the same effect because it’s too much work.) Now, since many of my readers are not Mormon, I should probably preface this part by saying that:
1. I’ve believed in God, like for always. It was like He spoke to my heart when I was little, and I’ve never stopped believing in Him.
2. I have not always felt the same about the Book of Mormon and being Mormon. I mean, do you realize that Mormons have a “Lay Clergy?” This means that our church is staffed ENTIRELY BY VOLUNTEERS. Being Mormon and going to church = Having the church leaders ask you to help. For free. And that’s fine. But I wasn’t going to volunteer my time, give up booze, pre-martial sex, and you know…other things or whatever. I wasn’t going to do that without believing in this church thing myself.
3. So I did the whole read the Book of Mormon thing, pray about it, and I got my answer. In all earnestness, I believe it to be true. I believe to be true with my whole heart, mind, and soul. I believe it in a way that I can’t really explain–because how do you explain something that dwellls in the depths of your heart? You can only say this is what I believe; this is why I believe; I can only encourage you to travel the same road and see what you think.
So, those three things add up to the Book of Mormon being my security blanket of bookness. I read it when I’ve lost my crap. I read it to regain balance in my life, when I’m trying harder to be a better person, in order to find answers to prayers. But I’ve never read it in advance of the crazy to come.
Until now.
This time, I decided to read it when I knew I was *going* to lose my crap. But I couldn’t. Because I have a baby now. And she needs me to lift her with snuggles and kisses in the middle of the night. Not hysterical tears. And she needs me to keep up on her laundry despite how she’s crapping an outfit a day and going through two sets of jammas a night. And she needs me to remember to get her formula. And not punch the WIC people in the throat. She needs me to keep my crap together. So, I decided to be smarter than my crazy and read the Book of Mormon every. single. day.
And I decided I’d go ahead and set the huge goal of reading it in a month. But I didn’t. I read it in 18 days. I wasn’t racing. I set the month goal, because I knew I could do it. Without an issue, with just my normal habits. Because that’s the kind of reader I am. And though I might currently be a horse ridden by my crazy, I have yet kicked anyone in the back of the knee who makes me re-key my code to get into work. I totally didn’t punch the WIC person in the throat (though they deserved it, because Vancouver WIC people suck the big suck.) And every moment with Smiley is a delight. I count this as a win considering the level of my anxiety right now. In fact, it’s such a big win, I think I’ll do it again.
~Amanda
PS If you wanted a Book of Mormon of your very own. You could get a free one here:
http://mormon.org/free-book-of-mormon
Missionaries not required. 🙂
Amanda A. Allen 